remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
