i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
