I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
