it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
