i think my tv is drunk
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
