No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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