If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
