he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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