I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
