At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
