I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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