I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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