i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
