Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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