I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
