I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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