I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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