Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
