oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
