i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
