You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
