Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
