**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
