i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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