How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
