YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The Olympian is in my bed
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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