i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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