I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
