the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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