yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
