Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
