i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
