Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
