So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
