It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
