put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i think i just lost a toe
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