I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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