I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
