My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
