We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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