I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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