on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
