i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
