We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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