so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
