I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
