My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize