I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
