im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
