Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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