well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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