I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
