i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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