i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
