she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
