How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
