I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
