I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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