I think I won the penis lottery.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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