DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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