How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Best friends brother. Beat that.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
