you didnt know i had herpes?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
